Mama Sick

All of my test results are back from my appointment with the Hematologist/Oncologist. My blood tests results that were only slightly out of range previously have returned to the normal range and my CT scan of my abdomen and pelvis were normal.

While I am pleased that I do not appear to have a serious illness, my frustration with being undiagnosed and the toll it has taken on my quality of life grows. My son Tyler has been great about it and Jacques has been wonderful about taking Tyler to tae kwon do, swimming lessons, haircuts, etc. But I want to be the one doing those things for him and I don’t want to have him playing video games when I am too sick to sit up.

Oftentimes it hurts to have my laptop on my stomach so I can’t blog and sometimes I am too nauseous to read. Sometimes I can only lay down and stare around the room, wishing to get some relief from sleep, even though I am not tired. I seem to get a break for a few hours after I have taken a nap and then I am sick again. I am tired of soft boiled eggs and chicken noodle or rice soup.

Last week I saw my Infectious Disease specialist that I saw when I had Lyme Disease. Apparently she was under the impression that this was a follow up visit. No one ever asked me. As soon she came in she said, “Well, we have problem here. You are seeing me for a new problem and I only have twenty minutes to see you!” She sounded…bitchy. Awkward!

She told me that no one with an Infectious Disease runs a fever for a year, so this was basically a waste of an expensive co-pay. She didn’t test me for anything because nothing had changed about me since I was tested last. She said it could be anxiety, that it could raise my temperature, but I looked it up and it said it happened during panic attacks, which I have never had, and the temperature it could raise up to was lower than the fevers that I run.

I felt like she was grasping at straws. She is no psychiatrist!

I was hoping it was some sort of an infectious disease that could be easily treated with antibiotics and was so disappointed.

Then I got more bad news. I was scheduled to have an colonoscopy/endoscopy in October. I called up to see if I was on a waiting list for a sooner appointment if someone cancelled, and found that I was in fact never scheduled! I spent two days getting the runaround from people who said they would call me back and never did. Now I will have to wait even longer than three months to get the tests. In desperation, I messaged my doctor to see if he could get me to a person who can help me.

Of course this depressed me on top of my ordinary depression! It will be a year in September that I have suffered with these symptoms and I just feel like they will never find out what’s wrong with me and this will be my life.

I looked for pictures of mean doctors but couldn’t find any.

Linking up with Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop.

6. Your favorite summer view so far.

This was taken about two weeks ago at the Headlands Beach State Park’s Summerfest in Lake County, OH.

The festival consisted of live bands, food and amazing kites but I’ve always loved and been fascinated by sand sculptures and my son, Tyler, has never seen one before. This was also my first time at the beach this summer as I find it hard to wrap my mind around everything you need for a beach day!

Summer’s not over yet and I am sure we will have more amazing views to come!

(Inspired by Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop.)

1. Throwback Thursday: Choose a photo from a previous July and write a poem or a blog post.

This photo goes back to July of 2011 and is a picture of my cat, Lizzie, who threw my husband out of bed and slept with me all night. Lizzie and her sister, Rosie, were the first cats I had when I left my parents’ house. They were a symbol of my dependence, my foray into adulthood.

I got them when they were six and half weeks old and they still hadn’t retracted their claws yet. Lizzie and Rosie were special, and it wasn’t just me who thought so. Even people who didn’t like cats loved them. Rosie was born with a problem where her knee would dislocate. As she aged the problem became worse and when surgery was finally warranted she was declared too old to go through it. That didn’t stop her from still having some good years left and being a loving companion to me. When I was bedridden from chronic illness, she laid right next to me, moving only to eat and go to the bathroom. Maybe it sounds silly but I thought we understood each other. Rosie died at age 12 of kidney failure due to lack of movement.

Lizzie made the move to Ohio with us. She died of cancer when she was 15. I am so glad my son had the opportunity to know both of them.

I grew up with a cat named Whiskers who was a diabetic. My dad had to give her insulin every day. She was worth all the medical care needed. She was a Siamese and super affectionate, especially to me. She was the one I told all my secrets to, the one I cried to. She died when I was in college and when I found out I asked my professor if I could reschedule my midterm due to a death in the family.

I have four cats now, two who are indoor/outdoor and two who live on our porch. We provide warm shelters for the outdoor cats in the winter. My indoor/outdoor cats are Max and Rosie. Max has been gone for six weeks. He is known for striking out for parts unknown and just showing up out of nowhere. Sometimes we think he has another family or two. I pray every night for him to be okay and come back. He is my son’s cat and he would be so sad if we declared him gone permanently.

Betty…I just can’t figure her out. She used to love and cuddle with me and now doesn’t want much to do with me. I’ve never heard of a cat who grew to love you less! It’s clear Jacques is her favorite but she is enjoying the summer, stopping in for a short time every day to eat and drink before meowing to go out again.

If Max is truly gone, I wonder if I should get another cat. Allowing my cats to go outdoors has been the worst thing I could have done and I never want to do that again. I think of a cat who is super affectionate and who would cuddle with me. I wouldn’t want a kitten, I’d want a cat on the younger side whose personality is fully formed.

I’ve had the priviledge of being the mom to many cats and each one was different. They have all brought meaning to my life and have even helped shaped my growth.

Part of me is excited over who my next friend will be.

Linking up with Being Fibro Mom’s Friday Linkup.

Based upon the advice of my Rheumatologist and blood test results I had my appointment on Monday with the Hematologist/Oncologist. I liked her a lot. She told me that although I had some results that were out of range they were only out of range a bit. She wanted to do more blood work to see if these results were trending up which would be cause for concern. For many months now I have had a pain in the lower left side of my stomach and she also ordered a CAT scan of my abdomen and pelvis.

On Tuesday, I went to the Cleveland Clinic main campus to see a new psychiatrist. I had decided that I was kind of at a standstill with my old psychiatrist. Depression-wise I am not as bad off as I have been but I am still depressed. I have difficulties with day to day activities such as showering, opening my mail and cleaning the house, as well as feelings of sadness and being overwhelmed. Sometimes I wonder if this is the best I can hope for but I switched doctors hoping that there is a better quality of life for me.

I met with the resident first who did an hour assessment, which included my medical history, stressors in my life and the history from my childhood to the present. After the assessment she met with her supervisor who was the doctor Jacques and I had picked out for me due to her reputation. I met with her too. She felt I was on a lot of medications and she wanted to make some changes but one change at a time. I had been on two sedatives for my anxiety and she took me off one of them. She recommended Intensive Out-Patient Therapy (IOP), which is mostly group therapy three to four days per week for three hours a day. I’ve done it before and I’ve hated it! I told her that would be difficult with my physical illness and that I did not like group therapy. If I want therapy I want all the attention on me, maybe I’m selfish but I’ve got too many issues for the focus not to be on me the whole time! After the appointment I really felt I had made the right move in changing doctors and in the doctor I had picked. I have a follow-up appointment in a month.

On Wednesday I got lucky. There was a cancellation with the new Gastroenterologist I was supposed to see on August 31st. I have already seen a Gastroenterologist but wasn’t happy with the way she dismissed me. He recommended that I have an endoscopy and colonoscopy. The only problem is I have to wait THREE months to have them, although the nurse said the procedures could be moved up because a lot of people chicken out! I have had a number of colonoscopies due to having Ulcerative Colitis, which I have been in remission for twenty years and do not see any sign that it has returned.The worse part of a colonoscopy is the prep, where you have to drink a nasty gallon of a laxative and can have only clear liquids the day before.

It is disappointing that I may have to wait three months to get these tests done. I don’t look forward to being nauseated with a low grade fever for what then will have been going on for over a year.

Have you had the experience of a long wait to be diagnosed or waiting a long time to have an appointment or procedure?