Losing That Loving Feeling

When I first started going out with Jacques, I had a strong desire for him. My body ached for him. I couldn’t wait to get home.

Then, the antidepressants kicked in.

I feel dead inside. When I try to masterbate, there is absolutely no response “down there”.

Jacques is also on antidepressants so that makes two of us. We just feel no desire for each other.

Of course, we still feel love for each other. We take care of each other. I look at him and view him as a lifetime companion.

But I mourn the loss of my sexuality.

This was a problem with Grant and I and it did put a major strain on our marriage.

I know I have to stay on antidepressants. I am still fighting depression and I need to take them in order to be a good mother to Dylan.

Has your sex life suffered as a result of antidepressants? Did you ever consider going off them?

How do you handle this with your spouse or significant other?

Any advice is appreciated.

RIGHTEOUS BROTHERS PERFORM AT ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME INDUCTION CEREMONY

Photo courtesy of Long Shots Blues.

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Tuesdays With Tyler: Summer 2013, Part I

I hope I was able to give Tyler a great summer. He has been back to school for a week now. I figured I would post some pictures of him and I enjoying.

Tyler went to camp at the Y for eight weeks, but in the middle he took a break to go to soccer camp:

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We also took in the Dinosaur show at the Cleveland Convention Center:

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We also went to the Pymatuning Zoo. Here is Dylan and I on the train. I really like this picture:

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I promise to post more pictures soon!

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Tuesdays With Tyler – First Day of First Grade!

Tyler started his first day at his new school today. He was a little nervous and worried I wouldn’t be at the bus stop to pick him but he was smiling.

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I am a little nervous about how Tyler will do in the first grade, how he will be able to sit at a desk all day. He needs extra space so they gave him two desks. He will have Occupational, Physical and Speech Therapy. He has some problems with anger but he is working on that in therapy.

Good luck in first grade, Tyler!

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Health Update #369

On August 8th I had my first visit to the endocrinologist due to having low bone density and what I thought was osteoporosis. She said I couldn’t have osteoporosis because I wasn’t in menopause, so that’s one disease out of my repertoire. She ordered urine and blood tests to see if there was an underlying cause of the low bone density.

I had my followup with her yesterday. All of the tests were normal except I tested moderately positive or strongly positive for Celiac disease, which is an immune reaction to eating gluten, a protein found in wheat, barley and rye. Over time, this reaction produces inflammation that damages the small intestine’s lining and prevents absorption of some nutrients (malabsorption). She said that would cause low bone density and would make me feel fatigued.

She wanted me to see a gastroenterologist who would probably biopsy my small intestine to confirm the diagnosis. I already have an appointment with a gastroenterologist in October to check how my ulcerative colitis is doing.

I’m not really convinced I have Celiac disease. There are so many symptoms I don’t have, including diarrhea and weight loss (I wish!), a rash, joint pain, numbness in the fingers and hands, and acid reflux and heartburn. I guess I will find out in October.

Over on the mental health front, I decided to see a new therapist. I don’t know if it’s because my therapist is a man, but I am not getting anything out of it. I just go and feel like I have to reach for things to talk about instead of the therapist asking.

Upcoming, Tyler is off to school on Tuesday. Pictures to follow!

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Photo courtesy of Scientific American

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Feeling Stupid

I don’t know what’s going on but for a few weeks I can only describe what has been going on with me as I feel stupid. There is nothing going on in my brain! I can’t get my thoughts together and I don’t remember things I have always remembered. I also am finding it difficult to write blog posts and read.

The thoughts I do have are strange. I am plagued by trivial things. I’ll be driving and look at a license plate and think, “What is the most popular license plate in Ohio?” and then I will answer myself with, “The most popular license plate in Ohio is the one with the barn on it.” Or I will be packing Tyler’s water bottle for camp and think, “Do most people in America have water bottles?”, and then I will answer myself, “Yes, most people in America have water bottles.”

In addition I find myself drawn to doing trivial internet searches. How many Emmys did Bea Arthur win for “Golden Girls?”, or let me learn more about the actress who played Aunt Bee on the “Andy Griffith” show.

I walked into my psychiatric nurse-practitioner’s office last week and asked her, “Is this the best I can hope for? I can’t live with this!”

She wanted to put me on Abilify in addition to the Effexor but I got horrible muscle spasms when I took it a few years ago. Instead she upped the Effexor even though I am on the maximum dosage already.

I am also feeling very fatigued. Tomorrow I see the endocrinologist for the first time. My nurse-practitioner told me some of my symptoms could be due to a thyroid issue. I am actually hoping I will be diagnosed with a thyroid problem and the cure could be as simple as taking a pill.

Have you ever felt “stupid” before? What was the cause?

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Photo credit of Too Hot to Handle

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Back From BlogHer’13

I’m still recovering from BlogHer’13 in Chicago.

The view from our hotel room.

The view from our hotel room.

Jacques and I got there on Wednesday night. It took us about six hours so not bad.
I was exhausted so we did room service.

On Thursday we visited the Art Institute of Chicago.

I have declared American Gothic to be "our painting"!

I have declared American Gothic to be “our painting”!

I don’t know if BlogHer was the place for me. I felt like everyone was more advanced than me and the workshops were way over my head. I also didn’t get to meet many Mom bloggers.

One of the highlights was seeing Ree Drummond of The Pioneer Woman.

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And I did meet some people I was excited to meet:

Meagan Francis of The Happiest Home

I could kill myself for not taking a picture with these ladies!

I could kill myself for not taking a picture with these ladies!

Cecily Kellog from Uppercase Woman

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And Anissa Means Bacon Mayhew of Aiming Low

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One thing that may turn out to be something is I met a Senior Editor of Parents Magazine who thought my blog was interesting! She said Parents had never covered this issue. She took my business card and wrote something on there.

I was very fatigued and I wound up ordering in room service twice more for dinner. I missed Queen Latifah at “Voices of the Year” and I couldn’t go to any parties. I napped hard.

Although BlogHer wasn’t for me, from a mental illness standpoint I am glad I went!

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Justice For Karina

I was touched by the story of twenty-four-year-old Karina Hansen because I too suffer from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or M.E. (myalgic encephalomyeltitis) as it is called in Europe.

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On February 12, 2013, five policemen, two doctors, two social workers, and a locksmith came to her home and forcibly removed Karina from her bed and transported her to Hammel Neurocenter.

Doctors in Denmark do not classify M.E. as a physical illness, but a mental illness. When Karina and her family would not cooperate in the suggested treatment plan, she was taken to the Neurocenter.

Karina was able to make a call to her parents the next day and said, ““How can I get out of here? I can’t take this”. Then the line went dead.

She has been there ever since with limited access to family and friends.

Nils Balle Christensen, the psychiatrist in charge of Karina’s care, works for The Research Clinic for Functional Disorders and Psychosomatics. This clinic classifies illnesses such as CFS, fibromyalgia, and irritable bowel syndrome as “bodily distress syndrome.” This is a new diagnosis created by these doctors and is classed as a type of functional disorder. The treatment for a functional disorder is listed on their website as cognitive behavioral therapy, graded exercise therapy, and in some cases antidepressants.

Graded Exercise Therapy is exercise that starts out slowly and increases in very small steps. It is very controversial in the M.E. world and can be detrimental to patients with M.E. Studies have proven that people with M.E. respond poorly to exercise, especially patients who are severely ill, like Karina.

I am outraged that something like this is even possible. Karina’s case sets a very bad precedent for other M.E. sufferers in Denmark and around the world. Is this the future of M.E. treatment? We have all worked hard at trying to be believed by our doctors that Chronic Fatigue, Fibromyalgia and Irritable Bowel Syndrome are real conditions. Do we want to go back into the dark ages? How frustrating for us when we were laughed at or brushed away by our doctors and even our family and friends. Some of us may still be facing this.

Karina’s case has become widely known in Europe and I really want to make those in America aware of her situation too.

What can you do? Here are some simple ways you can help Karena:

1. Send Karina a postcard. Let her know that you support her. Information can be found here.

2. Like her Facebook page. This can be done here.

3. Sign the petitions, change.org and causes/org.

4. Watch the youtube video.

5. Tweet my post or share it on Facebook.

Karina’s story is our story. Let’s all help to get her released.

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Source: prohealth.com

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At the Urogynecologist

In the last few weeks I had been experiencing vaginal pain. I had an appointment with my Primary Care Physician and she tested me for yeast and other infections. The tests were negative. That left only one alternative; my Vulvodynia was back.

I went to the Urogynecologist. He seemed like a good doctor, was easy to talk to and respectful. After a painful exam he told me my Vulvodynia was severe. The first line of treatment was usually antidepressants, but since I am already on an antidepressant it would be unwise for me to try another.

The next course of action was surgery! I was shocked. I didn’t even know you they did surgery for Vulvodynia. It’s called a Vestibulectomy. Basically it involves removal of the painful tissue of the vestibule.

The doctor said it would enable me to have sex once again.

The doctor also said he thought this would be the answer for me. He told me to come back any time I had questions and I do. I read on forums that the recovery was painful (of course). Could I take the pain? Also physical therapy was recommended. Physical therapy for what exactly?

I searched the forums and I couldn’t find one post that said the surgery did not help them. It seems the surgery is quite common and has been performed for many years.

I’m just not sure what I want to do. It would be nice to live without the constant great pain.

I’ll update you if I decide to have the surgery.

I’d like to have your opinions. Would you have the surgery if you were me?

Did you even know that all of that was going on down there?

Did you even know that all of that was going on down there?

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Voices

I have been coming out of my depression. But last week I had something happen that shook me to the core.

Tyler gets up early, way before we have to get up for camp. I settled him in with the television and a juice box and went back to bed. I laid down to sleep and for the first time ever I heard voices. They were whispers, men speaking and then women. I tried to make out what they were saying but I was too scared to try too hard. I made sure the voices weren’t coming from anywhere else. No, it wasn’t the television or the radio. Women didn’t do work around my house but even if they did, the windows were closed. Eventually the voices went away and I fell into a fitful sleep.

Hearing voices can be a part of bipolar disorder. But it can also be a part of something far worse, schizophrenia.

Fortunately I had an appointment with my nurse practitioner that day. I recently went off Zyprexa and started taking the mood stabilizer, Latuda. Latuda at higher doses is given to people who have schizophrenia. One of the side effects ironically is hearing voices. But the nurse practitioner had never had patients who experienced this. She wants to see me once a week.

I am really hoping this is an isolated incident. It gave me an idea of what being a schizophrenic is like.

I hope I never experience anything like it again.

Artwork courtesy of lostnightkg at Deviant Art.

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Part-Time Mother

Grant and I have worked out an arrangement for Tyler where he spends about half the week with Grant and half the week with me. This seems to be working out for all three of us.

It is an odd feeling being a part-time mother. On the one hand Jacques and I enjoy our time alone; exploring my new city, watching grown-up programs on television, and eating grown-up dinners that Jacques cooks for me. (How lucky am I?) On the other hand when Tyler is with me, it is twice as hard, not having a partner. Grant and I used to have a routine, for example, where I would get Tyler ready for school or camp and then he would wait for the bus with him or drive him to camp. Now it’s all me.

I feel guilty saying this, but sometimes I am glad when it is Grant’s turn to take Tyler. I am just exhausted.

I never pictured myself as a part-time parent, separated/divorced from my husband. I guess no one does.

Am I classified as a Single Mom or just a part-time mother as Grant is still involved?

Are you doing the part-time parent thing? Do you find it as difficult and strange as I do?

Tyler with our new kitten, Max.

Tyler with our new kitten, Max.

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