Mama Sick

There has been nothing more upsetting than losing the ability to be able to blog because of my depression. The ideas that used to inspire me to put up three to four posts per week are gone. It is too difficult to get my thoughts together to write something cohesive. It is hard to write this post and I am already so disappointed in it. Will I have the words to make it long enough to mean something?

I look back at my past posts. I used to write well and inspire people. I was a good writer.

Writing and making a difference was a great accomplishment for me. My blog gave me purpose.

I am doing better. I realize that I have let a lot of things slip by and I am trying to dig out from under. Balancing my checkbook, filing for bankruptcy and divorce, down to small things like some returning I need to do. I realize that I am unhappy with how my house looks. There is so much that needs to be done when you slowly come out of depression that it is overwhelming and I often want to hide under the covers again, and sometimes I do. Then there is the frustration that I have failed to do what I needed to get my life back in order.

I can’t help feeling like I am on the fringe of society. That I am looking in on what the “normal people” are doing and I wonder if I will ever be one of them again.

Will I ever “get right”? Right now Tyler says I am the best mom in the world. Will he one day resent my mental illness and be ashamed of me? Will he blame me if he has inherited my mental conditions?

I’m not proud of this post, but at least I got it out.

What has been your most difficult struggle lately?

Jacques, Tyler and I had a lovely Christmas. Grant and I have been getting along very well so I had him over too. A very modern kind of family!

J

For my birthday, John and I decided to take a one day getaway to a local bed and breakfast in our town. We stayed at the Homestead Bed and Breakfast right in our downtown city of Willoughby.

We stayed in the Victorian Rose room:

We dined at Lure Bistro and dined on Maine lobster and crab encrusted grouper:

I know this photo has too much light but I thought it was a nice one of the two of us.

And we had a delicious breakfast of egg cups and cranberry and pecan pancakes with maple cinnamon syrup!

It was a wonderful time. Hopefully we will do it again next year!

The weather for Halloween night was rainy and windy but a brave Dark Knight remained undaunted. A cowardly mom followed in her car while dad butler Alfred accompanied Master Bruce. All was right in Gotham as Batman took in quite a haul of candy.

Happy Halloween to all!

This “thing” has been hanging on to me for sometime now and I have finally decided that I am simply depressed, rather than there being a physical reason for the way I am feeling.

This has been going on since about mid-July. It is by far not the worst depression I have ever had; the one where ever single second is a living Hell. But my routine has been to get out of bed, get on the couch and watch the “Golden Girls”, then “Let’s Make A Deal”, then “The Price is Right”. I usually watch the noon news and then two hours of “Sex in the City”.

That’s how I’ve been rolling lately.

I feel so uninspired, so uncreative. It is difficult for me to come up with blog posts.

I try to read books but I am unable to concentrate on anything.

I am unhappy that I have still not lost the weight caused by the antidepressant I was taking.

On the other hand, I’m not exactly doing anything to help myself. I cancelled my doctor’s appointment and my appointment with my therapist, feeling like I just couldn’t get out of bed to help myself. And I have not done any physical activity, which could help a myriad of my conditions.

I ask myself, “Is this the best there is for me?”

I decided that I am going to get a second opinion from the Cleveland Clinic. Am I on the right meds, should I be taking more of the same meds?

In the meantime, this is me, still looking for answers.

Dear Tyler,

I cannot believe you are seven already! Where does the time go?

You have had a lot of changes this year, the hardest being the fact that your daddy and I have separated. You do seem to have adjusted well to it, spending part of your week with me and part with daddy.

Last night we ate at Eat N’ Park, which you call Smiley’s because you like their Smiley face cookies. You ate spaghetti there because you think they have the best spaghetti in the world.

You loved your presents; The Headless Horseman and Man-Bat mini figures, a toy from the Lego Monsterfighters collection, Finn in the Jake suit from Adventure Time, and more of the superheroes from Fisher-Price’s Imaginex. You said this was your best birthday ever.

You look forward to your party next Saturday.

Life has been pretty good of late.

You are satisfied with toys for now, but I worry about the things you will need for the future; a car and college. I worry about what your daddy and I will be able to provide for you on our limited disability income. Last week you said to me, “Mommy, why don’t you get a job so we can have more money? Why doesn’t daddy?” You are beginning to know the truth. How will this impact your future? Will you resent our illnesses and the impact they had on you?

You look forward to Halloween, your favorite holiday. At first you said you wanted to be The Flash but now you want to be Batman. You always change you mind!

You love playing soccer.

You are doing very well in school, better than we expected. I am so proud of you!

Tyler, I hope you will never feel deprived and that we were good parents.

Right now you are seven. Quite a big boy. I wish you could stay this way forever. You still hold my hand and call me Mommy.

Happy birthday baby.

Love,

Mommy

Continuing with Tyler’s summer:

This was our view of the Lighthouse of Fairport Harbor. Tyler and I climbed to the top! You can see a tiny Tyler at the bottom of the lighthouse:

Here is Tyler with a picture of a Coast Guard officer. If you look closely you can see that Tyler has unzipped the officer’s fly:

We also went to Senecca Caverns. I really like this picture of us!

We wrapped up summer Labor Day weekend with a trip to Headlands Beach State Park. Here he is with his friend, Owen:

I hope I gave Tyler a great summer! I am so sorry to see it end!