Book Reviews!

This post was inspired by Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop.

Prompt #3. Book review!

I’ve been reading a lot of good books lately, I couldn’t pick from just one so I decided to choose three that have stuck with me. My reviews come from Goodreads and I hope you will follow me on there.

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This nearly 600 page book went by pretty quick, it was that good! Born in Nigeria, Ifemelu decides to go to college in America. She soon finds out the difference between a black person from Africa and that of an African American. The book takes you through Ifemelu’s rough times, good times and her boyfriends. It does jump from past to present, but unlike some other books, it does so with ease and without confusion. I just wanted to keep reading this book to find out what happens to her and now I miss her! Highly recommended!

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I read this nearly 300 page book in one day, it was that good! The book revolves around Latino families who immigrated to America and now live in the same apartment complex. Their stories are beautiful, particularly the innocent young love story. This is a book that will stay with you for a long time. I’m going to stop here because I cannot do the book justice due to a lack of book review experience! Just read this book!

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Judy Blume’s books for children and young adults changed my life. I remember rereading several of her books and underlining the “good parts” in “Forever’! In this book written for adults, Blume writes about actual events that took place in the early 1950s in Elizabeth, NJ, where she grew up. There are many characters in this book but the book mainly focuses on Miri, a 15 year old Jewish girl who lives with her mother and grandmother and never knew her father. Although there were a lot of characters, Blume interweaves them beautifully. There are certainly plenty of twists to keep you interested and I definitely recommend it!

So that’s just three books that really stand out in my mind. I would love for us to share ideas for great reads on Goodreads so I do hope you’ll follow me!

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Results of My Challenging Week

I first wrote about this here.

Last week Tyler had full day summer camp and Grant and I decided he would spend the whole week with me since the camp’s location was closer. The week passed quickly, thankfully, and Tyler really liked his camp!

After camp on Monday I took Tyler to the pool so he wouldn’t feel like he was missing out on his beloved water slide! He had therapy on Wednesday and I told him I would take him to the pool afterwards but it was late and he decided he wanted to catch up on his video games! I was exhausted so I didn’t fight him on it!

We did have a couple of nights of trouble. I am trying to get Tyler to sleep in his own bed but lately his fears and anxiety are getting worse. He insists on sleeping with the light on and he got up with nightmares. I tried to settle him down but the sleep medication I take made me so groggy that I could barely stay awake to comfort him! I felt awful about it, but if I don’t take the sleep med I will never get to sleep and then I won’t be good to anyone.

Two days later the nightmares happened again and he wanted to call Grant so I let him. We tried using the techniques his therapist is working on with him to calm him down and they did work. But I was still very groggy. Grant was mad at me. He called me a bad mother, which hurt a lot. I believe I am doing the absolute best I can for Tyler. The next day Grant apologized.

These past two nights he has slept through the night so I am hoping he just had a bad few couple of days.

So I made it through the week! Grant and I let Tyler have a couple of weeks off from school to decompress but now we’ve got to work in speech, occupational and physical therapy activities into his day, along with reading and flash cards. Plus he is still taking Tae Kwon Do. It’s a lot for any parent to do, let alone someone who is chronically ill!

I’ve actually had a couple of bad days where on Saturday I napped for four hours during the day and on Sunday I slept for three. I can tell it’s not from depression and I worry that I am developing a tolerance to my medicine for my hypersomnolence. But it’s only been two days so I shouldn’t freak out, right?

I am not a perfect parent, no one is, and I am not a bad mother, I am a sick mother. Sometimes I have my doubts but Tyler still says I am the best mom in the universe!

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Tyler after his Tae Kwon Do tournament last week, which was a victory for him…and me!

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Looking Back

This post was inspired by Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop. My original post can be found here.

Prompt 1. Throwback Thursday: Choose a photo from a previous June and write a poem or a blog post.

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This picture comes from June, 2011, and is my son’s pre-school/daycare graduation picture. When I lost my job in 2008 and became too sick to work due to Lupus, I kept Tyler in daycare. I was in just too much pain for him to be home with me.

I had a lot of guilt back then, as I think any mother, healthy or sick, does when putting their child in daycare. My child spent so much time with his teachers who were Indian that he started to speak with an Indian accent. That soon went away.

My post was an uplifting one because deep down I knew there was no danger of Tyler forgetting who his mommy was, despite spending eight hours away from me a day.

I used to think, in the depths of my depression and pain, that maybe Tyler was better off with another mother, a healthier one. I think today I feel more confident in the fact that Tyler belongs with me; that although I am sick I am doing the best I can and Tyler knows it.

I look back at this photo and it seems like a million years ago. So much has changed since then including moving to Ohio and collecting disability. Tyler will be going into the third grade this year.

We had a party for him on the day he graduated and I still have the wonderful memories of my best friends coming with gifts, and the cake.

Tyler may change through the years but I will always feel the pride and love I felt for him that day.

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Six Reasons Why This Will Be a Challenging Week For Me

There are six reasons why this coming week will be a challenging one for me and I am going to try not to let my depression get the best of me!

1) Tyler has camp all next week and Grant and I have decided that he will spend the whole week with me since the camp is closest to me. I miss Tyler when he’s gone, but I do treasure my time alone, and with my boyfriend. I mostly catch up on a lot of sleep and Netflix!

2) Tyler prefers not to have any camps in the summer. He is just happy at the pool and playing video games, but Grant and I feel some camp is good for him.

3) It will be a lot like school. The camp’s hours are from 9:00 – 3:30. I’ve already gotten used to the relaxing mornings of summer vacation and a bit of a later bedtime hour.

4) I’m going to try to bring Tyler to the pool at least one day after camp, then he won’t feel so deprived of the water slide!

5) I have to pack lunches for him. Ahhhh, he got free lunch in school! I’m going to be feeling guilty about this but I’m going to send him with a couple of Lunchables.

6) I have to make dinner for him all week long! I struggle with dinner on the four nights I have him, he is such a picky eater.

I am determined that I will overcome my depression this week to make it a fun week for Tyler! Extra spoons are appreciated!

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I Thought Depression Was Supposed to Improve in the Summer?

With the longer days and the extra Vitamin D3 from the sun I thought I would be feeling better but if anything I’ve felt a little more depressed. And now that Tyler is home for the summer my depression is making me feel guilty.

There are some reasons why I may be feeling worse. At my last psychiatric appointment when I reported no improvement, my doctor said that there was a school of thought that taking too much medicine for depression may cause depression itself so we lowered the doses on one of my medications. That only made me worse and now I am back on the higher dose, waiting hopefully for it to kick in. I feel so frustrated. I feel like these doctors don’t know how the hell to treat depression so they just throw stuff at you. I feel like a guinea pig.

It doesn’t help that Cleveland doesn’t have many sunny days. We’re not as bad as Seattle but you can go two weeks without sun, even in the summer.

Lately I have been doing something to cope which I DO NOT recommend. I take my pill in the morning to help me deal with my hypersomnolence and then a few hours later I take one of my sedatives to help me sleep the day away. My mind feels exhausted and it’s just like I can’t make it through the long day without sleeping through it. I told myself I wasn’t going to do it any more because of how wrong it is, but yesterday I was particularly bad and I took the sedative and slept while Tyler played video games. Jacques was here of course so it wasn’t like he was alone.

I don’t want Tyler playing video games all day, even though that’s what he wants to do. I’ve taken him to the pool a couple of times and plan on taking him today, even though it is mentally so exhausting and I find preparing to go to the pool (towels, snacks, sunblock, etc.) overwhelming.

I want to take Tyler to the park where we could walk which would be good for both of us and see nature but I just can’t get there. I don’t even want to walk around my complex. I don’t want to get out of my bed or off of the couch. Getting in the shower and putting on clothes feels like a big challenge.

A lot of people who do not suffer from mental or chronic illnesses think that sick people should just be able to do it for their child, and I do that when I can, but sometimes I just can’t “Do it for Tyler.” When I wasn’t as sick I was able to psych myself up, but right now I just can’t.

So I’m waiting for my medicine to kick in and hopefully for some sunny days so I can feel some relief.

Is your depression improving this summer?

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The Summer Project

There are many hopes I have for Tyler this summer. He’s taking private swimming lessons and learning how to ride his bicycle without training wheels. His Occupational, Physical, and Speech therapists have given us a number of exercises to help continue his improvement.

But the biggest thing I am hoping for is to finally have Tyler be able to sleep in his own bed. Besides sleeping in bed with me, Tyler has a phobia about being alone. He can’t be in a room alone.

Up until he was two and a half years old Tyler slept fine alone. But for a long weekend in 2008 he was taken from Grant and I by Child Protective Services. From then on he sleeping alone was a nightmare.

Although he was only two and a half, Tyler remembers the horrific incident. He asks us where we went that weekend and we told him we had to go out of town. I’m sure one day I will tell him but I don’t think he’s old enough yet.

For a while I tried everything you’re supposed to do to get a child to sleep in his own bed, but it would cause him to tic and breathe erratically. I tried putting a sleeping bag by my bed but he would exhibit the same symptoms.

Tyler’s been in therapy for a while working on his anxiety, OCD and other issues. I told the last therapist before the one he is seeing now that he was still sleeping with me and he tossed it aside saying, “Boys soon enough will see that sleeping with their mother is not the proper thing to do”, but it hasn’t happened yet with Tyler.

He has a new therapist now and I figure summer is a good time to do it, figuring there will be a lot of sleepless nights involved.

I know that Tyler shouldn’t sleep with me but truthfully it has never been something that has bothered me. I enjoy cuddling with him before we fall asleep and he doesn’t take up much space in the bed.

I hope this is a project that we are successful at and that it is not too painful for both of us.

Tyler with his new kitten at his dad's house.

Tyler with his new kitten at his dad’s house.

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Brown Baggin’ It

Inspired by Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop

Prompt #6. Tell us about a time you were sent to the Principal’s office.

I was a really good kid, a goody-goody, straight as they came. I always played by the rules and I never got in trouble.

But there was one thing that other kids did that was so tempting: blow up a brown bag and pop it in the lunchroom while the principal was speaking.

Lots of kids had done it and the popper was never caught. The principal would yell, “Who did this?!” and everyone looked innocent.

One day, as the principal stepped up to the microphone to speak, something took hold of me. I blew up my brown bag and popped it.

It was the loudest pop in the history of Lafayette Mills Elementary School.

“Alright who’s responsible for this!?”, yelled the principal. And suddenly I was aware of everybody pointing the finger at me!

I remember exactly what the principal said; “You!”, he pointed. “Get to the office!”

I was in a state of shock. I made my way to the principal’s office and took a seat outside, waiting for him.

What happened next I couldn’t tell you. I’ve blanked it out. I don’t remember him speaking to me. Did he call my parents? I just can’t recall.

I was on the straight and narrow after that, until freshman year in high school where I stepped out of the classroom before the bell to get a drink of water and got detention.

But that is a story for another day.

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Still the Best Mom in the World

Inspired by Mama Kat’s Writers’ Workshop.

Writer's Workshop

1. Throwback Thursday: Choose a photo from a previous May and write a poem or a blog post.

When I found this post from May of 2013 I was really glad I saw it because I need to be reminded.

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It’s part of Tyler’s Mother’s Day card from when he was in kindergarten. I was suffering from depression (as I am now) and feeling guilty because I wasn’t able to play with him or take him places as much as I liked. A lot of mothers feel guilty if they can’t spend quality time with their children, but when you are a chronically ill mother, the guilt is tenfold.

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The card says:“Dear Mom, Thank you for taking me to the park. You are a peacemaker. Love, Tyler”.

I was stunned. I was so upset that I thought I wasn’t taking my son to the park enough and that was the thing he remembered the best.

It made me realize, maybe I wasn’t such a failure as a mom after all. That Tyler loved me for who I am and that what I could give him was enough for him.

With summer vacation two weeks away I will try to be confident that my best is good enough for my son who loves me unconditionally, despite my disabilities.

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May is Maternal Health Awareness Month

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Since May is Maternal Health Awareness Month I thought I would write about my postpartum experiences.

The symptoms of postpartum depression are fairly well known: A feeling of not bonding to your baby, wondering whether your baby would be better off without you, and crying for no reason.

This was not my experience and I think mine is something you still don’t hear enough about. I worried about everything. If my baby’s pediatrician appointment was a week from now I worried about how I was going to make it there. I’d wake up in the morning with my heart racing and my first thoughts were “What’s for dinner?” or “How am I going to handle dinner?” I had twelve bottles for my baby and I washed them constantly, scared to death I would run out of clean bottles.

When I had my sixth week check-up, the nurse screened me for postpartum depression, but I wasn’t depressed, I just kept thinking these thoughts.

I saw my family doctor who chalked it up to being a new mother. I went back to my life with my son with these racing thoughts that bordered on torturous.

Eventually I alone decided that this WAS NOT the product of being a new mother and I sought help from a therapist.

I learned that besides postpartum depression a woman could also develop postpartum anxiety or even postpartum OCD. According to Dr. Jonathan Abramowitz, “We call postpartum anxiety the hidden disorder because so few moms recognize it and it often goes undiagnosed.” In fact, postpartum anxiety is more common than postpartum depression and the two can often overlap.

If you are experiencing the symptoms of postpartum anxiety, depression or OCD, and need immediate help, please call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

If you are looking for pregnancy or postpartum support and local resources, please call the Postpartum Support International Warmline (English & Spanish) at 1-800-944-4PPD (4773),
or email PSI at support@postpartum.net.

Postpartum disorders are treatable but sometimes it takes a mother alone to recognize that she needs help.

This is a blog hop! To see other posts about maternal mental health, click here.

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A Different Career Path

Inspired by Mama Kat’s Writing Prompts

Prompt #3. You HAVE to go back in time and choose a different career path for yourself. What do you choose?

Writer's Workshop

For as long as I could remember, my father always wanted me to be a teacher or a nurse. He reasoned that the money was decent and that there will never be a shortage of opportunities. Nursing grossed me out and I didn’t want to teach.

Instead in college I majored in Communications and became an on-air personality/voiceover artist for eight years.

When radio wasn’t fun for me any more I answered an ad citing, “Recruiter wanted, no experience necessary.” (This was in the time when the economy was good!) I became a Recruiter for the pharmaceutical industry and I did that for eight years before I became too sick to work any more.

The thing about being on the air and recruiting was that I never got a satisfaction that what I did mattered. Even though I placed many people in positions, they rarely thanked me.

If I had to do it all over again, maybe I would have become a teacher to make a difference in a child’s life. Or else work for a not-for-profit organization. I find myself envious of people in these types of positions.

What career would you choose if you had to do it all over again?

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