Yesterday Grant and I took Tyler for a mental health assessment. Tyler has so far been diagnosed with Tourette’s Syndrome and OCD. In school he has been getting Occupational Therapy, Speech Therapy and Counseling. He also has low muscle tone and is delayed with his gross and fine motor skills. I know there are more diagnoses to come.
Tyler has been becoming more challenging. He gets angry if he doesn’t get what he wants from me and angry playing video games. Oftentimes he physically and verbally attacks me. The punches hurt more as he gets older and it breaks my heart to hear him curse like an adult. Actually he does not know how to curse like an adult. He will say to me, “You are a fucking person!” “You are ugly!” This weekend we went to a tourist spot and he had a really bad time. He beat me up in public and he cursed at me too. I heard one woman gasp and comment on what a spoiled child he was. I do not let it bother me, I know Tyler is suffering.
Most times after he hits me he is immediately sorry. “Can I kiss where it hurts?”, he will ask. He will say he is sorry a hundred times. “Mommy, am I going to go to Hell?” “No, honey, children don’t go to Hell.”
Grant and I are both bipolar. It’s no wonder Tyler is having such difficulties. We had genetic counseling before we decided to conceive. We were worried we would pass on our sicknesses to our child. We learned that Tyler had only a slight chance of getting Lupus or Rheumatoid Arthritis since my diseases were not inherited. With mental illness we were told Tyler had a 50/50 chance since I did not have any issues.
We decided to try to conceive.
My mental issues did not present themselves until after Tyler was born.
I do not regret for one second having Tyler but I do regret what we have passed on to him. What will happen to him? Will he be able to hold down a job? Will he get into drugs and alcohol?
If I knew that I would have mental illness I do not believe Grant or I would have tried to conceive. Adoption was not for us, we would have remained childless.
But Tyler is here and most times he is wonderful. He is smart and talented and is a joy and wonder to me. I can only hope that by getting him help early he can have a life without pain. Being mentally ill has been difficult for me, no, torturous, but there is joy in my life.
I just hope that Tyler can live a life with mostly joy rather than suffering.
He has to go back for further assessment since Grant and I took so long filling the intake person in on his background. I will keep you posted. I know another diagnosis is coming. I want one so we can better help Tyler but I dread it as well.
