Share a photo that represents how you see yourself.

This post was inspired by Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop.

When I saw this prompt from Mama Kat’s I was drawn to it because this has been a post that has been in my mind and wanting to come out in writing form for some time.

I would describe myself as a very attractive woman, almost 41 years old, who does not look her age.  Other people tell me this as well so it’s not just me!  But here’s the caveat:  I am a very attractive woman when I have the energy to do my hair and makeup which is almost never. Being chronically ill, my energy must go towards things like doing laundry, taking care of my son, and, when I do go out, taking a shower.  I haven’t even blown my hair dry the whole summer but am going to have to start doing that soon.

This picture* was taken nearly two years ago, at a party for the now defunct New Jersey Moms Blog.  I am the one in the dark red top.  It is the last time I have put on makeup or done my hair, or even really put on nice clothes.  I like to think of myself looking like this, not just put together but happy and having a night out with friends.   I was sick then, I am leaning on my cane if you cannot tell, but the fact that I was even able to pull this off says a lot about where my health and energy used to be.

It makes me sad that I can no longer go out and look like this.  Sometimes I think I am throwing my “pretty years” away and I will really regret that I didn’t exhaust myself trying to look nice like I used to, the way I did every day before I was sick.  Will I some day be in my sixties or seventies and think, “I used to be pretty but now my looks are gone”, and it doesn’t matter how much make-up I put on any more.

This is me with my son over the summer, pretty much the best I can look.  I’ve got my contact lenses in, which is rare for me now, but no make-up and my hair is thrown back in a head band.  I know some people may comment that I still look beautiful, but not to me, not compared to the way I was once capable of looking.  Even my husband still says I am beautiful but I no longer turn any heads.

Of the many things being sick has taken from me, the ability to be able to do my hair and makeup and look pretty is just one more thing, and it hurts.

Thank you to Monica Brand of Paper Bridges for providing me with the NJMB party picture.