Yesterday I went for another bone density test. It’s a quick test but I got a little suspicious when the tech wanted a more detailed shot of my left hip…and didn’t do my right hip. I asked her when I would hear back from my primary doctor about the results and she said probably within the week.

A couple of hours later I had an email from my doctor.

“Your bone density is BELOW THE EXPECTED RANGE FOR AGE. I recommend that we establish with our endocrinologist, to see if you need medication at this point or not…”

I called the endocrinologist and my appointment is for August 8th.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO IN THE MEANTIME?!

Exactly how brittle are my bones? Am I in immediate danger of breaking a hip? Do I have the bones of a 70 year old woman? An 80 year old? Why is this happening to me at the ripe old age of 43?

I can’t pull myself away from the internet. I learned that my diseases: Rheumatoid Arthritis, Lupus, Ulcerative Colitis and even Depression can contribute to low bone density.

So can Leukemia, Lymphoma and cancer of the bone marrow.

I can’t believe I have to wait nearly two more months for my appointment.

This reminds me of the time a radiologist told me I could have breast cancer based on my mammography. I was told to make an appointment with a breast specialist and I got one..two months later. The spot on my mammography was deemed an old cyst by the specialist, but I spent an agonizing eight weeks in limbo.

Has this ever happened to you?

How did you get through the waiting period?

The post Lovely In Her Bones first appeared on Mama Sick.

And then, I felt like an idiot, but party because my memory is so poor and partly because I had blocked it out, I said, “Oh yeah, in January I was diagnosed with Interstitial Cystitis.”

I.C. is a chronic, long-term inflammation of the bladder wall and is associated with other conditions I have such as Lupus, Fibromyalgia and Ulcerative Colitis.

The diagnosis of Interstitial Cystitis was the last straw for me back in January.  I was in excruciating, non-stop pain causing me to be unable to sleep for three to four days.  The urogynecologist wanted to do a procedure on me in the hospital, the diet he gave to me was ridiculously strict; no coffee, no spicy foods, almost all fruits, and yogurt, even things that are known to be good for you were off-limits on this diet.

The depression from being turned down for disability, pain from extremely dry mouth, having to apply for food stamps, again, and now this diagnosis, was severe enough to make me go in-patient.

I ignored my I.C. diagnosis and I eventually went into remission.  Until about a month ago.  I tried treating it with an over-the-counter medication for yeast infections which helped for a little bit and was relieved a bit by my period.

Which brings me back to Thursday when I couldn’t take it any more.

I can definitely relate it to a dietary change.  I had made chili and I put the chili powder in my bowl only since I am the only one who likes spicy food.  I put in a lot.

My doctor is asking for my records from my urogynecologist in New Jersey and will try to connect me with one here.  I see him again in two weeks.

I cannot wait two weeks.

I am swallowing ibuprofen like candy.  Wearing jeans is horrific.  It just hurts all of the time.

I am going to call him tomorrow and say I need something stronger for the pain, a quicker appointment, something!

Grant is afraid that this bout with I.C. will put me into the same frame of mind that it did the first time, but I was very depressed before I even got the diagnosis.  Yes, I.C. is a very difficult disease to deal with but I feel more rational about it now.  I know the diet is vastly different than the way I like to eat, but if it will stop the pain I am all for it.  And maybe it will turn out that it is only one or two foods that bother me and not the entire list.

Instead of looking at it like “Not another g*d-damned diagnosis!”, I am back to looking at it like, “Well, what’s one more diagnosis?”

Photo Courtesy of  ICN Sales

The post F*cking Interstitial Cystitis! first appeared on Mama Sick.

(You may want to stop reading here if you do not want to be shaken to your core and be made very upset.  Okay, you have been warned.) 

People always say that I have got to be more positive, more optimistic.  Well friends, I tell them that I am not pessimistic, I am REALISTIC.  These past few weeks I have come the closest I have ever felt to dying.  Two weeks ago I was having a fever every day, freezing, sweating, nauseous.  I had wounds that were not healing, that would bleed profusely by me absent-mindedly scratching a mosquito bite.  The pain was off the charts, the medicine for it, a joke.  Two weeks ago, when my fever was running and I could not get out of bed or barely speak, I swear I felt God next to me.  “Do you really want to die?  Well here is what it feels like.  Be careful what you wish for.  Death is not the peaceful, calm you think, at least getting there sure isn’t”.

I was crying.  I thought of Grant and Tyler and my cat.  I thought about the things I enjoy, just for ME, writing this blog, my voiceover work, my book club, Twitter, Google+, and then I realized…life is fun.  Not just with Tyler.  There are fun things in MY life.  There are still books to read and places to go and candles to be lit and beautiful but cheap things to have. Money is coming.  I WILL travel.  I will take Tyler to Disney World one day.  And then I said to God, “Stop!  Stop!  I don’t need to see this any more.  I don’t want to die.  I thought I did but I DON’T.  I want to live, not just for Tyler but for ME, God please let me live, I still have living to do!”

And then, it was either God the steroids or both, I got better.  Not better like I am trying out for the Olympic team but…my fever went away.  My mouth sores were gone.  My wounds healed.  I bought that “Imagination” candle I had been thinking about from the Disney Store and the Alice in Wonderland Vinylmation and my surprise “Buy one get one free” Vinylmation “Pete” from the Mickey Mouse Club House show.  And all three things are with me right now, bringing me joy.

Last Tuesday, I went to the hospital again.  I had horrific abdominal pain, with all of the symptoms of an appendicitis.  Unfortunately whenever I go to the hospital I am such a complex patient that they often do not want to treat me.  They gave me an ultrasound on my stomach and then up my…well let’s just say I could have had a career in pornography, I took it like a champ.  There was a lot of waiting, a lot of blood-letting and peeing in cups.

Throughout this my feet were swelling, like they have never swelled before.  They were purple and red, as if I had not been walking on them, as if they were starting to clot.  They looked like….like the way my father’s looked as he lay dying.  Like the feet of death.  The only feet I had seen looked like that were my father’s.  All discolored, painful.  I kept asking if they would examine my feet, if they would treat my pain, but they didn’t want to do much until they figured out what was wrong with me.  Alone, in a private emergency room, I started to pray, I started to beg and cry.  “Dear God, Jesus and Daddy.  I have a little boy that I have to make it for.  You can take me, but please, not now, not until he is a teenager and he no longer needs his Mommy.  That’s all I want!”  People on Face Book were praying for me, people on Twitter and Google+ were praying and I thank them very much.

And suddenly, I was getting better.  My feet cleared up.  My diagnosis was spastic colon or a possible flare-up of my Ulcerative Colitis.  That was a lot better than, “You need surgery on your BLANK or your BLANK.”  They had been almost positive I was going to be needing surgery of some kind!

And then I was discharged.  And Grant and Tyler came to the hospital to take me home.

So, where was I going with this, what the Hell does this have to do with BlogHer’12?  Well, the truth is I am being REALISTIC when I say I may not be there…or here.  How lucky can I get?  When God wants me, he wants me, I can only continue to pray that I live to finish out being Tyler’s “Mommy”.

Really, where will ANY of us be in 2012 anyway?  Any one of us could get into a car accident tomorrow.  Our plane might crash, we could get breast cancer.

Yes, any one of us.  But for people like me, with Lupus and other serious, worsening chronic conditions, we REALLY have to ask ourselves, where will I BE?  Will I even be here to make it to an event that for three years now has been so unobtainable?  When I have the money for next year’s BlogHer…will I really…be here?

The post BlogHer Conference 2012: Looking Ahead and Wondering first appeared on Mama Sick.