Yesterday I went for another bone density test. It’s a quick test but I got a little suspicious when the tech wanted a more detailed shot of my left hip…and didn’t do my right hip. I asked her when I would hear back from my primary doctor about the results and she said probably within the week.

A couple of hours later I had an email from my doctor.

“Your bone density is BELOW THE EXPECTED RANGE FOR AGE. I recommend that we establish with our endocrinologist, to see if you need medication at this point or not…”

I called the endocrinologist and my appointment is for August 8th.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO IN THE MEANTIME?!

Exactly how brittle are my bones? Am I in immediate danger of breaking a hip? Do I have the bones of a 70 year old woman? An 80 year old? Why is this happening to me at the ripe old age of 43?

I can’t pull myself away from the internet. I learned that my diseases: Rheumatoid Arthritis, Lupus, Ulcerative Colitis and even Depression can contribute to low bone density.

So can Leukemia, Lymphoma and cancer of the bone marrow.

I can’t believe I have to wait nearly two more months for my appointment.

This reminds me of the time a radiologist told me I could have breast cancer based on my mammography. I was told to make an appointment with a breast specialist and I got one..two months later. The spot on my mammography was deemed an old cyst by the specialist, but I spent an agonizing eight weeks in limbo.

Has this ever happened to you?

How did you get through the waiting period?

The post Lovely In Her Bones first appeared on Mama Sick.

Is it just my imagination or am I sicker than I was last year?  No, I know it is true.  After my third visit to the endocrinologist last week, I was basically given the “all clear” from her.  This time my cortisol level was normal. Although she felt the first low result was a fluke, I did convince her to run another test on it which I plan on getting this week.  She said for my cortisol to be that low I would be in a hospital right now, but that is kind of like how I feel. Twice as tired, twice as nauseous, and increased confusion since the summer, along with weight gain. She advised me to see my gastroenterologist next as some of my symptoms may be an indication of having a long term bacterial infection in my G.I. tract.

My PCP ran out of samples of an antidepressant I was on and due to the cost of it I decided I would see if I could taper off of it.  (I am on another one besides this one)  I don’t know if it’s the holidays or that I am no longer taking the drug but I grow more anxious and depressed by the day.  Between my physical and mental symptoms it is getting harder to get out of bed each day.

Yeah, definitely sicker than last year.

Besides being sicker and December 3rd upon us, my husband and I are in the middle of filing for bankruptcy. When we met the low-income lawyer last month I was so relieved because I thought we were done.  We had gotten together so much paperwork.  After meeting with her, we received via email another stack of forms to be filled.  Besides me being sick, Grant has had a cold/lung infection that combined with his asthma has made him sick for weeks, he just can’t get rid of this thing.  The two of us are definitely moving slower than usual and the November deadline for our planned bankruptcy filing had to be changed to a December one.

And now into this whole mess, here comes Christmas a-ablazing, with the days passing whether we are ready or not.  I still have most of my Halloween decorations up, although I did manage to put our Thanksgiving Day turkey nutcracker decoration away to make room for the Advent calendar.  Our living room is so cluttered I don’t even know how we will fit a tree in there.

Today I am planning on taking Tyler to see Santa.  A haircut will have to wait as I don’t think I am able to do both in one day.  And then tomorrow, if we have the strength, Grant and I will try to put out our decorations.

And Christmas cards???  Well, if you were expecting one from me this year, you probably ain’t getting one.  If it wasn’t for the internet, I don’t even think my child would get a visit from Santa.  Luckily Tyler is still too young to care if the gifts are wrapped or not.

I know I am not the only one who is sick and feeling this way and that is why I am writing this as well.  I know a lot of you have it even worse than me, I read about all of my sick friends, one who is even homeless for Christmas and then I feel guilty that I am not feeling more grateful for what I have.  Even though Christmas may be one hot mess at least I have a roof over my head to have it.  Logically I know that many more are suffering than me but mentally I am too wrapped up with my own problems to see that.

No matter what I tell myself every year, no matter what my therapist says; that Christmas is going to come and go no matter what I do or don’t get done, I still feel this way every single year.

And didn’t I write a post just like this the year before?  Yes, yes I did.

Wishing all of my chronically ill friends the happiest holiday season they can possibly have plus a Christmas miracle or two thrown into the mix.  We’re going to need them.

The post Chronically Stressed During the Holidays first appeared on Mama Sick.

Earlier this week I had my follow-up appointment to my first visit to the endocrinologist.  I had been praying for a diagnosis of some sort because my symptoms in the last few months have become so severe; excessive weight gain, so tired to the point where I have fallen asleep while eating with my family, severely nauseous and more.

I had to wait for more than an hour and a half.  I had come early because I was trying to run an errand before that and I became so nauseous that I decided to just go to the doctor’s office because I could no longer drive. When they first called me, the nurse brought me in to an office and handed me my test results and then said to go back out to the waiting room, the doctor would be with me in a few minutes.  I looked at my lab tests and was horrified because there were many abnormal results including that I had a nodule on my thyroid.  I have never been to a doctor where they give you your lab tests with no explanation!  I sat in the waiting room trying not to cry.  I talked to the woman next to me and started laughing it up because if I didn’t make jokes I would have totally lost it!

Finally it was my turn.  Here is something you never want to hear a doctor say: I don’t understand these results, you are confusing me!

I did appreciate her honesty though.  I have had too many doctors who think they are God, who either don’t believe you at all or try to guess at what is wrong with you.

First of all, she said that yes, I had a nodule but that it was too small to be causing any of my symptoms and we were just going to put a watch on it.

My fasting blood sugar was high.  Just 106 ( a normal range should be up to 99) but because I had gestational diabetes and my symptoms of weight gain, fatigue, and nausea were so severe, she wanted me to see a dietician to start the diabetic diet.  I was in disbelief, although diabetes runs on both sides of my family and I knew I would be getting diabetes sooner or later due to the G.D…I guess no one wants to hear that news.

Diabetes is just one of those diseases that if I had my say, I would pick another.  To me, it is so invasive, life changing.  “But Halloween is coming up, and the holidays!”  “If you keep eating like you are, you are just going to get bigger and bigger.  You are going to bloat up, sweat and just keep getting sicker.”  (Yes, but why did this have to happen during the holiday season??)

My cortisol level was mind blowingly low.  A ‘5’; the scale begins at 6.2.  And here is where it confused her the most.  Low cortisol levels, although they account for my horrendous tiredness, are the opposite of the rest of my symptoms.  Symptoms of low cortisol include blood sugar yes, but LOW blood sugar not high, weight issues yes, but weight LOSS, not gain!

I started to cry.  “I don’t understand, what then is making me so sick, why am I so sick?” “Well, what bothers you the most?”  “I guess the weight gain, it is just so out of control.” “So let’s get you to the dietician first.”  She wrote up a prescription to repeat the cortisol level and some other tests.  She walked me out with her arm around me.  “Don’t worry, we’re going to fix you up.”  She is the sweetest, I must say!  I have to see her November 10th.

I already have cut out the sugars on my own and have lost a couple of pounds and feel a bit better.  So I guess she has something there, ha, ha.

It’s just…Why did this have to happen during the holidays???

No candy for you!

The post At the Endocrinologist’s: Confusion Reigns first appeared on Mama Sick.

When women have chronic illnesses, it often is very much out of our control what we weigh. Medications, our diseases, and not being able to exercise because of the pain and energy zapping we feel, all contribute to how much we weigh.

Now I am going to talk numbers, for me personally.  I am 5 feet 6 inches tall.  You may be envious of my current weight but the fact is that I am not happy about it.  Everything is relative, you know?  I weigh the most I have ever weighed, except for being pregnant, 157 pounds. Now, I know that some of it is swelling, but who knows how much weight that is, a couple of pounds? Less?  No one can answer that for me!  I seem to wear it well, and am currently wearing sizes 8s, 10s and 12s.  Sizes are crazy aren’t they?  How can I still wear my size 8s?  Why are some size 10s swimming on me?  I have what I would describe as a Rubenesque figure.  Only we don’t live in the 1600s:-(

For many years I was a solid size 10 with my weight being around 145 pounds, give or take. I got comfortable in my size 10 clothes, I accepted “size 10 me”, finally.  Some people would even praise the fact that my weight never wavered.

Then I had Tyler.  My pre-pregnancy weight was 146 pounds and I gained just 23 pounds as I had Gestational Diabetes and had to be careful.  When I came home from the hospital, my stomach had already shrunk considerably and I had already lost 13 pounds, which really is like the baby and the crap that you carry with the baby.

In one month or less I was down to my pre-pregnancy weight.  And then I just kept going.  I was not on a diet, I was not doing anything.  I had a stomach virus on top of that and so when Tyler was seven months old I weighed a horrendous 117 pounds!  I looked like a heroin chic model.  People at my new job were telling me, “YOU just had a baby?  You look amazing!”

But I hated myself.  This wasn’t ME.  I had gone from years of being a size 10 to a size 4! I would look at myself in the mirror and cry.  I was in shock over my skeletal frame.  While people were praising me for my weight loss and amazing will power, my doctors were flummoxed. My endocrinologist was telling me I was just plain crazy. He said it in a bit nicer way, he said I had post-partum issues and should be seeing a Psychiatrist and therapist, but I already was, the big dummy.  Is it even necessary to say I fired him?  I was being tested for every cancer there was since unexplained weight loss is a major symptom of cancer.  No cancer, thankfully.

I used to test the power of eating anything and everything I wanted.  I used to have half a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, sometimes more, every night.  After the stomach virus and a return to a desk job I did stabilize into a comfortable size six.  I started to like being a size six, and who wouldn’t?  Being able to wear trendy or classic office clothes without looking like I was trying to stretch them just to fit into them.  I was always the kind of woman who made it a habit to go the next size up, rather than attempt to fit into the size they weren’t any more.  It was more flattering.

I realize now that Lupus was starting.  It had taken over my metabolism, my endocrine system. Lupus wanted me thin and so I was.  I was finally that willowy amazon that I had thought could only be found in my dreams.  The only thing that I didn’t have was I have always wished I was shorter. Oh, they have such cute things for petite women, don’t they? Well, that probably IS going to happen too since I have Osteoporosis and have already shrunk a few inches.  Be careful what you wish for, right?

Enough with the past, let’s get to how I ended up being 160 pounds.  My meds for my mental illnesses, and my mental illnesses themselves, make me want to eat.  My pain makes me want to eat. Sometimes it is so bad, I don’t want to feel it any more, I want to feel an Oreo cookie, you know? Someone told me that eating releases the same pleasurable endorphins as narcotics or exercise or being happy.  For me the only thing that works is the food as I cannot exercise, I do not get high from my drugs and happiness around here is short lived.  I only have the Oreos!

I also have this weird feeling that I cannot nap or sleep unless I feel full.  The food helps make me sleepy and it is easier to get to sleep.  Or then I have insomnia and I get hungry, being up for two to three hours in the middle of the night, who wouldn’t?

But what really convinced me that I had to do something was the amazing Christine Miserandino, The Spoon Lady, of the amazing But You Don’t Look Sick blog.  I saw pictures of her recently and she is already so beautiful but now she has lost the weight she was lamenting about and she looks fabulous!

I don’t know how Christine did it, but I have decided to go on the ShutMyMouth Diet.  I have decided that I am stronger than Lupus, Depression, or my meds and I DO have control over how much I weigh.  I will not let them have their “weigh” with me any longer.

So far I have lost a pound on the ShutMyMouth Diet but more so, I feel like I am once again the Master of my body, the Queen of my Temple, or whatever you would like to call it.  I am not advocating that YOU should go on the ShutMyMouth Diet, you should consult your doctor before beginning any diet, but for me, what harm could the ShutMyMouth Diet really do?

My goal is to lose a reasonable 20 pounds in how ever long it takes, as I will be eating my usual meals and a treat when I want it, as long as it is within reason.  Maybe I am on to something with this new ShutMyMouth Diet?

The post The ShutMyMouth Diet first appeared on Mama Sick.