Is it just my imagination or am I sicker than I was last year?  No, I know it is true.  After my third visit to the endocrinologist last week, I was basically given the “all clear” from her.  This time my cortisol level was normal. Although she felt the first low result was a fluke, I did convince her to run another test on it which I plan on getting this week.  She said for my cortisol to be that low I would be in a hospital right now, but that is kind of like how I feel. Twice as tired, twice as nauseous, and increased confusion since the summer, along with weight gain. She advised me to see my gastroenterologist next as some of my symptoms may be an indication of having a long term bacterial infection in my G.I. tract.

My PCP ran out of samples of an antidepressant I was on and due to the cost of it I decided I would see if I could taper off of it.  (I am on another one besides this one)  I don’t know if it’s the holidays or that I am no longer taking the drug but I grow more anxious and depressed by the day.  Between my physical and mental symptoms it is getting harder to get out of bed each day.

Yeah, definitely sicker than last year.

Besides being sicker and December 3rd upon us, my husband and I are in the middle of filing for bankruptcy. When we met the low-income lawyer last month I was so relieved because I thought we were done.  We had gotten together so much paperwork.  After meeting with her, we received via email another stack of forms to be filled.  Besides me being sick, Grant has had a cold/lung infection that combined with his asthma has made him sick for weeks, he just can’t get rid of this thing.  The two of us are definitely moving slower than usual and the November deadline for our planned bankruptcy filing had to be changed to a December one.

And now into this whole mess, here comes Christmas a-ablazing, with the days passing whether we are ready or not.  I still have most of my Halloween decorations up, although I did manage to put our Thanksgiving Day turkey nutcracker decoration away to make room for the Advent calendar.  Our living room is so cluttered I don’t even know how we will fit a tree in there.

Today I am planning on taking Tyler to see Santa.  A haircut will have to wait as I don’t think I am able to do both in one day.  And then tomorrow, if we have the strength, Grant and I will try to put out our decorations.

And Christmas cards???  Well, if you were expecting one from me this year, you probably ain’t getting one.  If it wasn’t for the internet, I don’t even think my child would get a visit from Santa.  Luckily Tyler is still too young to care if the gifts are wrapped or not.

I know I am not the only one who is sick and feeling this way and that is why I am writing this as well.  I know a lot of you have it even worse than me, I read about all of my sick friends, one who is even homeless for Christmas and then I feel guilty that I am not feeling more grateful for what I have.  Even though Christmas may be one hot mess at least I have a roof over my head to have it.  Logically I know that many more are suffering than me but mentally I am too wrapped up with my own problems to see that.

No matter what I tell myself every year, no matter what my therapist says; that Christmas is going to come and go no matter what I do or don’t get done, I still feel this way every single year.

And didn’t I write a post just like this the year before?  Yes, yes I did.

Wishing all of my chronically ill friends the happiest holiday season they can possibly have plus a Christmas miracle or two thrown into the mix.  We’re going to need them.

The post Chronically Stressed During the Holidays first appeared on Mama Sick.

Earlier this week I had my follow-up appointment to my first visit to the endocrinologist.  I had been praying for a diagnosis of some sort because my symptoms in the last few months have become so severe; excessive weight gain, so tired to the point where I have fallen asleep while eating with my family, severely nauseous and more.

I had to wait for more than an hour and a half.  I had come early because I was trying to run an errand before that and I became so nauseous that I decided to just go to the doctor’s office because I could no longer drive. When they first called me, the nurse brought me in to an office and handed me my test results and then said to go back out to the waiting room, the doctor would be with me in a few minutes.  I looked at my lab tests and was horrified because there were many abnormal results including that I had a nodule on my thyroid.  I have never been to a doctor where they give you your lab tests with no explanation!  I sat in the waiting room trying not to cry.  I talked to the woman next to me and started laughing it up because if I didn’t make jokes I would have totally lost it!

Finally it was my turn.  Here is something you never want to hear a doctor say: I don’t understand these results, you are confusing me!

I did appreciate her honesty though.  I have had too many doctors who think they are God, who either don’t believe you at all or try to guess at what is wrong with you.

First of all, she said that yes, I had a nodule but that it was too small to be causing any of my symptoms and we were just going to put a watch on it.

My fasting blood sugar was high.  Just 106 ( a normal range should be up to 99) but because I had gestational diabetes and my symptoms of weight gain, fatigue, and nausea were so severe, she wanted me to see a dietician to start the diabetic diet.  I was in disbelief, although diabetes runs on both sides of my family and I knew I would be getting diabetes sooner or later due to the G.D…I guess no one wants to hear that news.

Diabetes is just one of those diseases that if I had my say, I would pick another.  To me, it is so invasive, life changing.  “But Halloween is coming up, and the holidays!”  “If you keep eating like you are, you are just going to get bigger and bigger.  You are going to bloat up, sweat and just keep getting sicker.”  (Yes, but why did this have to happen during the holiday season??)

My cortisol level was mind blowingly low.  A ‘5’; the scale begins at 6.2.  And here is where it confused her the most.  Low cortisol levels, although they account for my horrendous tiredness, are the opposite of the rest of my symptoms.  Symptoms of low cortisol include blood sugar yes, but LOW blood sugar not high, weight issues yes, but weight LOSS, not gain!

I started to cry.  “I don’t understand, what then is making me so sick, why am I so sick?” “Well, what bothers you the most?”  “I guess the weight gain, it is just so out of control.” “So let’s get you to the dietician first.”  She wrote up a prescription to repeat the cortisol level and some other tests.  She walked me out with her arm around me.  “Don’t worry, we’re going to fix you up.”  She is the sweetest, I must say!  I have to see her November 10th.

I already have cut out the sugars on my own and have lost a couple of pounds and feel a bit better.  So I guess she has something there, ha, ha.

It’s just…Why did this have to happen during the holidays???

No candy for you!

The post At the Endocrinologist’s: Confusion Reigns first appeared on Mama Sick.