It is Wednesday, December 19, 2012, five days after the Newtown, Connecticut shootings which left us with 27 children and adults dead at the Sandy Hook Elementary School.  I have wanted to get this post out since the day after the shootings, but due to circumstances beyond my control, and the fact that I have a little boy whom of course is home from school on the weekends that I enjoy being with, I have been unable to do so.

When I heard about the shootings on Friday, I like most Americans and the world was saddened, but unfortunately, not shocked or surprised as most of them were.  And because I have been delayed in writing this post I thought that I would be too late to be the first person to tell you this.  That surely by now, SOMEONE would have already written a post like this, but I am shocked that no one has.  That despite all of our “experts”, our psychiatrists, our profilers of killers; that NO ONE has figured out WHY this has happened.  And that chronically ill mom blogger, Emily Cullen, sitting here at my laptop with just a Bachelor’s degree and with some unfortunate life experiences, has a, what I believe, is a pretty good grasp on this sad situation.

Some of what I will tell you is from news sources that I will link you to.  Some of it is just because I. JUST. KNOW. IT.

Because I believe I know why 20-year-old Adam Lanza shot those children.  Everyone is asking “Why?” and “How could he have killed all of those innocent children?” and “What kind of a monster would do such a thing?”  I don’t have those questions because I believe I know exactly why and how and what, and I am going to tell you, given my “background”, what I think.

There are so many variables in this shooting.  There are a cast of characters if you will forgive me for being so dramatic.

Let’s start with Mr. Lanza himself, shall we?  What do we know about him so far?  We know that he may have suffered from a Personality Disorder.  Oh, he may have, huh?  Okay we know that there are many different Personality Disorders out there so let us pick one…um…let us pick for argument’s sake Borderline Personality Disorder, in which we read that “That there is strong evidence to support a link between distressing child experiences, particularly involving caregivers, and BPD.  The types of experiences…include…early separation from caregivers, emotional or physical neglect, emotional abuse, and parental insensitivity…that BPD is caused by an interaction between biological factors and an “emotionally invalidating” childhood environment (or an environment where the child’s needs are not being met).”

Hmm, that seems interesting to me, doesn’t it seem interesting to you?  So, there seems to be a link between BPD and one’s caregivers.

Well let’s take a look at Mr. Lanza’s caregivers, shall we?

We have Nancy Lanza, Adam Lanza’s own mother, whom Mr. Lanza had the audacity to shoot.  Can you even imagine shooting YOUR OWN mother?  No, I can’t imagine shooting MY mother either but let us take a look at Mrs. Lanza whom has been described as a “gun-hording survivalist who was stockpiling weapons in preparation for an economic collapse.”

Whoa.  That seems a little…”out there”…don’t you think?  Are any of you reading this currently stockpiling weapons in preparation for the economic collapse of America?  I know I’m not, I guess I can’t say the same about the rest of you, but to me I would say that sounds a bit…disturbing.

Indeed, Mrs. Lanza’s sister-in-law, Marsha Lanza, says that Mrs. Lanza “was part of the ‘prepper’ movement that fears an economic collapse will lead to a breakdown in society.

The WHAT MOVEMENT?  I have never before heard of the ‘prepper’ movement have you?  I guess I am just uneducated.  I GUESS you can never be TOO prepared.

“Nancy Lanza (52) had five registered firearms, had begun stockpiling food and taught Adam how to shoot. He is believed to have taken three of her guns — a Bushmaster .223-calibre, and two handguns, a Glock 10 mm and a Sig Sauer 9mm — in the school massacre after he shot her dead in bed.”

Wait now, Mr. Lanza, who MAY have some type of personality disorder took three of her guns, a what, huh, and a what’s that did you call those guns??

You’ll just have to excuse me because I am woefully uneducated and ignorant about all of the guns that America has to offer it’s citizens.  You can call me stupid if you want, but I have personally never heard of any of those guns, have you?

Poor, innocent, Mrs. Lanza, how horrific that someone’s own son would shoot them! I mean my God, Mrs. Lanza appeared to all as a devoted mother, so I don’t understand what might drive a young adult to shoot his own mother, do you?

It is SO hard to understand what can be possibly be going on inside the mind of your child, teenager and young adult, isn’t it?  You who are parents like me or who have children older than my six-year-old, you have probably wondered what was going on yourself with your children, what ever would possess them to do the things they do??  I don’t know either.

We MAY not know exactly what is going on inside out children’s heads.  We parents are not mind readers after all, are we?

But we can SEE what our children are doing and HOW they are acting and we MAY CHOOSE to act upon what our children are doing, right?

Wait now, what’s this?  Mr. Lanza’s babysitter, Ryan Kraft , has come forward with some information for all of us wondering why? why? why?

Mr. Kraft babysat for Mr. Lanza when he was about 14 or 15 years old and Mr. Lanza was about nine or ten.  And “he says he recalls Nancy Lanza cautioning him never to turn his back on Adam — ‘to keep an eye on him at all times … to never turn my back, or even to go to the bathroom or anything like that.’ Kraft says he remembers Lanza as quiet, very intelligent and introverted, noting, “Whenever we were doing something, whether it was building Legos, or playing video games, he was really focused on it. It was like he was in his own world.”

“Nancy Lanza, says Kraft, was very involved in her children’s lives and loved them very much.”

Oh, she was INVOLVED now was she, and she LOVED them now, didn’t she?

Well I just don’t know about that, and I can only speak for MYSELF as a parent as I put myself in Mrs. Lanza’s shoes.  Gee, I would feel a bit uncomfortable around my little nine-year-old boy if I felt the need to keep my eye on him at all times, and to never turn my back on my little boy so much to the point where I was so scared about my little boy that I was afraid to even go into the bathroom for fear of what my little nine-year-old might do.

That horrible nine-year-old Adam Lanza, oh the little boy is quite a MONSTER isn’t he?  Yes, yes, see, my little nine-year-old boy is so scary, oh I am so scared of my little boy!

Hold on, now, Mrs. Lanza.  I think your child is just nine-years-old, that he is just a little boy, isn’t he?

But you see, I am not surprised that Mrs. Lanza thought that her nine-year-old boy was scary because I unfortunately know people, be they mothers, fathers, or grandparents that call five-year-olds and six-year-olds MONSTERS.

Wait just a second, Emily.  There must be something wrong over in your neck of the woods or in your world, or you must be exaggerating because five-year-olds and six-year-olds cannot be MONSTERS or called the next SERIAL KILLERS.

And I will say to YOU, hold on, it is not ME who is saying that little boys who are five and six are our next serial killers, it is the people that I unfortunately by luck of the draw in my life, know.

Okay now, well, personally, I don’t know about the rest of you out there, but if I indeed did think my child was a monster or happened to be scared of my little nine-year-old boy, I just might be inclined to get him some help for him.  Would any of you who are reading this get help for your scary, monstrous little nine-year-old boy?  You can call me crazy, and yes, many people around me have, but I would ignore those people calling me crazy and I as a mother would do what I thought was best for my child and would not listen to anyone else, and I would choose to ignore the parts of my brain, the small voices in my head telling me Oh, you are overreacting, Emily, there is nothing wrong with your little angel.  You do not need to expose yourself or your family and get help for your child because your child is going to be just fine.  Because if you just keep on being the good mother you think you are, that you KNOW you are, you can just sweep these incidents under the rug and they will just go away, and your little boy will be just fine now, won’t he?

Yes, I as a logical, mentally healthy, educated mother would CHOOSE to ignore those voices outside and inside my head and I would get some HELP for MY CHILD, wouldn’t you???

And lastly, Mr. Lanza’s father, Peter, who divorced Mrs. Lanza in 2009, after nearly 30 years of marriage.  Well, not much can be said about Peter Lanza, he seemed to stick it out and try to make a go of it, didn’t he?  But obviously, one does not usually divorce one’s spouse if things in the marriage are going well and you like your spouse and you like your situation.  And one might say that Peter Lanza appears to have been the lucky one in that family, with his gun toting wife and his scary little boy, that he got to leave that life and that family and that household.

“The couple agreed to split up their jewelry, clothes and family photos.  Adam would live with his mother, the couple agreed and they agreed to talk about the important decisions.

If it turned out they couldn’t agree on something related to Adam’s upbringing, Nancy Lanza ‘shall make the final decision,’ according to the Sept. 24, 2009 settlement approved by Judge Stanley Novak.”

Excuse me, Peter, but did I just read that right?  Are you to tell me that you found it necessary, for whatever your personal reasons were, to divorce your wife of almost 30 years but that you thought it was okay to leave your sons in the care of your gun-toting, ‘the end of the world is coming!’,  ‘I refuse to put my child in therapy’ freak of a wife???

I’m sorry, Peter, but as someone in the know as to how these things can go down, I’ve got a REAL problem with you doing that to YOUR. OWN. CHILDREN.

And sadly, to wrap this story up, let us talk of the children that were killed last Friday, because, please DO NOT get me wrong because I am VERY sorry that little children had to die due to Mr. Lanza’s parents whom SHOULD have POSSIBLY taken care of their own poor little boy.

Why did Mr. Lanza shoot those children, is the big question on everyone’s mind?

Well, I have no evidence here, I cannot find any connection between Mrs. Lanza and the children of the Sandy Hook Elementary School.  I have only unfortunate life experiences, those of myself and others to piece this one together.  But if I had to take a stab, perhaps Mrs. Lanza liked little children very much.  Meaning, perhaps she was a volunteer with children, or once a daycare teacher or a babysitter, or was maybe just a very nice woman that liked the children of the neighborhood.  That maybe was very nice to little Adam Lanza’s friends when he was growing up.

And I would think, that if I happened to be in an environment where I as a child felt that my needs were not being met by the parent who was supposed to love me, I MIGHT feel a little jealousy towards other little children.  Little children who are happy and whose parents love them unconditionally and respect them and take care of them.

Well let’s take me out of it.  Because I do not have any jealousies towards little children.  I have a six-year-old child and I love him, and respect his six-year-old self, and his six-year-old with special needs little self.

But could I see how a grown man, barely grown because he was after all just 20 and perhaps had a hurt inner child inside him…could I see how a grown man might possibly shoot his mother, innocent little children and then himself?

YOU’D BETTER BELIEVE I COULD.