It is really hard for me to write this, it has been really hard for me to do much of anything. Usually I write to let people know that they are not the only ones suffering from an illness and the problems that result from it, but today I am writing in hopes of your support, for you to tell me that I am not the only one.

In addition to an increase in depression and anxiety that was kicked off by not getting my disability approved, along with holiday stress, for the last week and a half I have been experiencing agoraphobia, which in simple terms is fear of open spaces or public places.  I don’t want to diagnose myself and shouldn’t, but the thought of showering (although I am managing that at least every other day), putting clothes on and going anywhere, driving, is terrifying to me.  And at the root of it all is, “Will I feel well enough?  What if I am somewhere (especially with Tyler) and become exhausted?  I was able to get out once with him this week and took him to an indoor playground and it did go okay but that was the only time I was able to break out of it.  I also believe part of it is that it is winter and I cannot bear the cold.  Putting all those clothes on.  Using the hair dryer, that physical act to dry my hair zaps my energy.

And then the guilt:  what a boring week for my son who has been the best.  I feel like the worst mom in the world.

I think of doctor’s appointments I have coming up, appointments I need to make and I am absolutely terrified about how  I will do it.  I feel like I have been sick for so long, I don’t know how to get out and be a normal human being, someone who can put on nice clothes and look nice or at least decent.  I mourn the loss of the pretty woman I once was.

I am in therapy, I take meds but what do you do when they stop working?  I am at such a crossroads in all areas of my health.  I am probably going to switch to Methadone because I just cannot afford the pain meds that work so well for me.  I am facing going on a new drug for Lupus; Benlysta.  My old one was making me sick by causing to me to pick up infections but I am afraid of the complications of the new one and have been putting it off.

There are lots of areas in my life that are problematic but I cannot shut down like I am doing. Where is my “Do it for Tyler” spirit?

So many people write me and say they find me strong and inspiring but for the past week and a half I am feeling neither.  I cannot find my faith or my optimism.  I don’t feel driven, I just feel afraid and sad.

Please tell me you have been where I am.  If you have any suggestions I am open to them. Or let me know you care and that you are praying for me and thinking about me.  Thank you.