I had news about my appeal the day after I was denied disability, but it has been difficult for me to write anything about this process, good or bad.  This rejection has really taken it’s toll on me and I’ve had to question how I need to move forward with my life.  I realize that it’s going to take me longer to obtain my goals and in fact I might have to give up some of my dreams, the main one being able to move to a bigger place to live, the dream of giving my son a backyard.  Throw this into the holiday stress one experiences, moreso when one is disabled, and I am a mix of depression and anxiety, almost always completely miserable.  I am praying and hoping for some peace and to be able to give my child the Christmas he deserves.

I am even having trouble blogging, so please excuse me if I am not writing as well as usual.

When I called the lawyer’s office a week ago the administrative assistant said they too had just gotten a decision.  Typically the lawyer reviews the decision and gives the person his recommendation as to what he believes is the next course of action.  She told me to wait a week to ten days to hear something from him.

He called me the next day.

He had said he wanted to call me yesterday but that he felt it was too late.  He laid in bed that night, replaying it all in his head.  I said, “Thank you for caring” and he said, “I’m not just saying this to be a nice guy to you.”  I told him I wish I had had more time at my trial and he said, “You could have had another hour with this judge, her mind was made up about you.”

He told me he was going to start working on an appeal that day.  That’s where he takes apart her reasoning as to how she came up with the decision, and identifies the legal mistakes made.  He felt he had plenty to work with.  For myself, I could not bear to read what she said.  It was pages and pages long and just too painful.

Once the appeal is done, a different judge reviews it but Social Security has five to six months to make a decision!   More waiting, more worrying in the battle of my life.

I feel good in that the lawyer was really shocked and he seemed fired up to help me.  He’s got a stake in this too of course, but he really seems to believe in my case.

In Grant and I s’ heart, we really expected a favorable outcome and readjusting to this unfavorable decision has been extremely difficult for the two of us.  I started this process officially in October, 2009 if you are counting.

It makes me angry about my illnesses all over again.  I think about the way I used to be, before I got really sick.  A busy working mom bringing in good pay, taking care of my family. And the way I am now, struggling every day, with no control over my destiny, just waiting for a stranger to recognize that I truly am ill.  Literally my life once again hangs in the balance of one person and I can only hope that this time this person makes what in my heart I know is the right decision.