Due to Grant getting his disability and us now having a small nest egg, we decided to do something with Tyler we had never done…take him on a vacation.  It was going to be a mini-vacation to Hershey Park’s “Halloween in the Dark” in Pennsylvania.  We were supposed to go last weekend, but things were so crazy last week…we were preparing for bankruptcy (that’s for a later post) and I had just gotten bad/confusing medical news.  Grant said why not put it for to next weekend, Halloween weekend?  I was disappointed for Tyler’s sake, but made the reservations for this weekend instead.

This week, Grant threw out his back.  His asthma or a cold started to kick in as the temperatures dropped.  Fall is my worst time of the year and my joint pain and swelling, especially in my hands and wrists, started to increase to the point where my meds are no longer helping the pain like they should and it is hard trying getting to sleep, much less live. And tomorrow, which was to be our main day at the park, they are predicting snow showers, which never happens by me, at least not that I could remember.

I was telling Grant to go to the doctor to get some pain meds for his back.  I felt like complete shit but I didn’t care, I was literally obsessed that we should go on this vacation for Tyler.  I knew I would probably have a horrible time but I didn’t care, I wanted to do it for him.  Grant was practically shaking me.  “You are acting CRAZY about this vacation!  You are SO sick, I’m sick.  We are going to have a shitty time, Emily, you have to cancel this vacation!”

And so I finally admitted defeat and I cancelled our vacation, for good.  This is the last weekend that Hershey Park is open and it is already winter coat time here.  There will be no going anywhere for us until this Spring, and that’s if we could even afford it by then.  Grant really wants to see his parents and I want to see my relatives, perhaps over the Christmas break but that is no vacation for Tyler.

Around where we live, Tyler is about the only kid who has never gone on a vacation.  When he was four years old, Tyler asked me what a vacation was.  When we got Grant’s back pay for his disability I thought, “Finally we could afford to take him somewhere!”  Even if it was just a mini-vacation.

I know Tyler is not the only kid in America who is five years old who has never gone on a vacation.  Part of it is that when I was Tyler’s age I had already been on a vacation every year.

And a big part of it was that I am simply too sick to take Tyler anywhere.  

And in my heart I wonder…Will I ever be well enough to take my child on vacation?

Illustration for John Milton's Paradise Lost