Warning:  There is some rough language here, not as bad as some other posts, but a little.  You could always stop if it gets too much for you because it is some important stuff.

My life is at a good news/bad news sort of place right now.  The good news:  my disability hearing is this Tuesday, July 19th.  Yes, after about two years that I applied for my disability, I will finally have my day in court.  The bad news?  Well, I haven’t worked steadily in over three years.  If I am lucky I make a few shekels with my writing and my voice-over work. More bad news, the summer is notoriously the slowest time of the year for both of these professions.  It does not take a math whiz  to figure out that Grant and I are scrambling. More good news.  In case you have not heard, Grant will receive his disability, the poor guy got it first time around, 86% of those in N.J. are turned down their first time out.  The bad news on that?  It’s been at least three weeks since we have gotten any further information from Social Security.

Right now I can not afford a haircut for my son, I cannot afford toilet paper, or to pay bills that were due on July 1st, including my health insurance and my cell phone, in which I conduct business on to help me make such shekels.

Please do not take this post as a plea for money, this is just how it is. I am constantly wheeling and dealing.  Mama wants to give Tyler karate lessons because of his special needs, so Mama has volunteered to work with the owner; free publicity in a local publication in exchange for free karate lessons.  If Mama brings in children who take karate, Tyler gets to keep taking his lessons.  I will do anything for my son, even phone sex, but Grant has told me this is a deal-breaker for our marriage. This is to illustrate to what lengths I will go to in order to give my child any kind of a decent life.

Lately I have become sicker, so instead of 13 diseases and conditions, perhaps I have 14, but this #14 is pretty bad, either that or one of diseases 1-13 is just worsening.  Because of this I have realized that there is no way I can make my court date; at least not when I am supposed to be in Newark, at 9:30 in the morning.  Not with a sick husband and child in tow.

So I decided it would be best to stay overnight in a hotel, two blocks away by car.  This way, not too many worries about being too sick, car breaking down, accident, rush hour traffic, etc.  Hotels/motels are not exactly in the budget for us, but neither is missing my trial so to me it makes sense.  I called my mother to ask if she would pay or help pay for this. Admittedly she does give me a certain amount of money every month to help out.  Also, true two and a half years ago, when we all spoke with a financial advisor, he advised my mother to BUY ME a house, this way no more problems ever for me for housing.  In other words my mother could buy me a home and have plenty of money to live out her days in comfort and make money from real estate as we would pay her some rent.

That didn’t go over so big with Mom.  There would be no house for her sick, getting sicker daughter or her then two-year-old grandson.  Forget the husband because who the Hell is he, after all? Most likely this post would never needed to have been written if she had followed the advisor’s recommendation.

So when I asked my mother today for the money for a hotel she says to me, “Well, I can give you $50.”  “Umm, okay…do you understand that I can not give Tyler a haircut because I have no money?”

“Well, you know, soon my Social Security may be cut, so I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up.”

“What, what are you talking about?”

“Don’t you listen to the news?”

Yeah, lady I listen to the news, the news where my Food Stamps get cut, where programs for poor people get cut.  You’ve got your news and I have mine.  The different is….I am impoverished, you screwed up bitch, you don’t count on your social security to live!!!

I investigated her big news:

Please see the Diagram Options and Actions.

For those of you trusting me, it basically says that it is very unlikely that something like that will pass. Also to my mother, “Bitch, you only see what you want to see and hear what you want to hear, the article also mentions those on Disabilty…who the Hell do you think that is?  That is the former joy of your life, plus her sick but loving husband who has to dress me, and help me walk, or pull me up from a seated postion, and the poor child who had the God-awful luck to be born in to this Hell on Earth life!

I was starting to be in distress, thinking what will I do without my mother’s money, we are not making it now, when she says, “Well…it may not happen.”  “Excuse me?”  “Well, I mean it’s not definite.”

“Do you understand that I am one step away from going in-patient?  Do you have any conception of how upset and sick you have just made me?  Don’t you EVER screw like that with me again!”

“Well…I’m sorry.”

Trying to remember everything my therapist has told me about my mother I then try to carry on somewhat of a normal conversation.  Family gossip, books, etc.  Then I told her I had better go.  I even asked her what she was going to do today, something fun?

Her reply?

“Oh, nothing fun, I will be very busy today.  Don’t you remember, Max and I are going to The Cape tomorrow for the week.”

This defendant rests her case.

“Unlike humans, Dr. Hardy said, the apes never abandon or reject their young, no matter how diseased or crippled a baby may be.”

The New York Times