For about five months one of my best friends had been being paid to help me cook dinners, provide care for Tyler when we needed a break, and to tidy up our home.  A few weeks ago her father started having medical problems along with financial ones.  So I can’t say it came as a real surprise when on Monday she told me that she would not be able to continue with us as it had all become too much for her.  

Still, I was devastated because I know that I really need her help, especially when it comes to cooking.  Although the doctors still aren’t sure why, I have severe cramping in my calves constantly, with some relief with narcotics.  It is difficult to stand for more than a few minutes or walk more than a few hundred yards, if not impossible.  Grant and I put into Action Plan B, which is a service that provides home cooked meals, but it won’t start until Saturday.  

So, just a few days, right, to either order out or cook?  Last night I made homemade beef barley soup with lots of veggies.  I felt really good that I was able to do that for my family, and maybe this wasn’t going to be so bad after all.  About an hour ago I started to make dinner.  The pork chops have defrosted, the Middle Eastern grains are boiling.  I am looking for a cover for a pot when I realize:   I CAN’T FUCKING DO THIS!  I’m standing, I’m bending, I’m reaching and I am in just too much PAIN, I know I cannot finish this dinner!  I throw out the pork chops and the grains (the waste!).  But all I can think of is getting off my feet so the pain will subside.

It’s one of those days, which, most of the time, it always is.  I cannot feed my family.  I never loved to cook but I was decent at it and it used to feel good, being able to cook healthy from scratch meals.  I’m so frustrated.  Sure, I know that people who can’t stand can cook, but accomodations have been made; they’re in wheelchairs, their kitchens have been redesigned, they are in a bigger space…I just can’t say if this will be for the rest of my life.  But how long before I can, or how long before I can feel well enough to cook again?

And yes, I can teach Grant to cook, but he isn’t going to cook the way I would.

Until then, the kitchen is closed.